The Importance of Being Evil
by LittleHellion
Summary: The Kyuubi no Kitsune, King of Demons, is a great King, thank you very much.  She is political, diplomatic, evil...wait, did you say 'she'  The REAL story of the fox demon.  And yes, this IS pure crack.  Rated for language.


Disclaimer: Officially Disclaimed.

Blame this on my temporarily damaged brain. I was in AZ for WAY too long. It was hot and bright and so...crowded...

**The Importance of Being Evil**

* * *

When I was just a kit, I learned three things about myself. 

The first, and least important, was the stunning revelation that I was to become the King of Demons. The second, slightly more important, was that since I was a vixen, I couldn't _technically _become King. That posed a slight problem; after all, I _was _the only heir to the…well, the throne was _very _metaphorical. Title. I was the only heir to the title.

And then, the third revelation:

I was to be tutored in the ways of males, stripped of my female dignity, and shaped into the finest King (regardless of my gender) the Demon population had ever seen.

I didn't _want _to become King. I didn't even want to become _Queen. _In all honesty, I wanted to mate with my cute Tanuki friend and raise a big family. I was young and naïve and I didn't actually know how babies were made, but that didn't stop me from _wanting._

I went through that awful training…and I was _good _at it. I was good at pretending to be evil. I was good at settling differences, and I was good at being both diplomatic and political.

But the one thing I was horribly deficient in was acting out a 'male' role.

To be frank, I sucked. And growing up, Shukaku was the only one I could confide in. After all, I had loved him since before I could remember. He would give me pointers; there were things I could never have accomplished without his guidance. He helped me become the successful King I am…_was. _

And to everyone else…I was the best King they'd ever had. They loved me.

And so did he.

Of course, our relationship wasn't exactly a _public _one. In fact, we barely touched each other unless it was behind closed, locked, and soundproofed doors. It was _his _idea, actually…it wouldn't do for the King of Demons to be unable to produce an heir.

Bah. If only I'd been born male and Shukaku female, we could've avoided the whole 'secrecy' thing. After all…I couldn't produce an heir with another female. But if the rest of the Demons had known that their King was actually a vixen, they'd be very unsettled indeed.

Demons are such an old-fashioned race.

…Not that humans are better.

But well-concealed good things never last forever, and Shukaku left. Not of his own volition, mind you, but he did. He left, and I was lonely. I was left as the Demon King, and that was that. Any shred of goodness left me then, and I suddenly didn't have to pretend to be evil.

And let me tell you, being evil was _fun._

As King, I got loads of privileges other Demons didn't. I had free reign of the human realm…not that I really _wanted _to go there, but I _could. _I had the right to any wife I wanted (bah. Why would I want a wife?). I had the right to terrorize, maim, and generally make a nuisance of myself…and no one could protest.

I repeat:

Being evil was _fun._

And, to fulfill my duties as King, it was necessary.

Being King, I had to keep tabs on all the realms. And when I found out where Shukaku had been taken, I left to find him. I could do that, because I was cool like that. Oh, yeah, and there was that whole 'King' thing. But I was _still _cool.

So I accidentally materialized in Fire country, right outside a ninja village. Hey, I was excited to rescue the one I loved! That didn't give them the right to _attack _me.

And there's no way in _any _realm I'm going to ignore an attack on me. So of _course _I fought back! Would _you _lie down and take that shit?

I didn't think so.

And then that man…the Yondaime Bakakage – decided he'd be all sneaky and pretended to attack me, while he was really intending to _seal _me into a little wailing _human baby _all along.

What a bastard.

To add insult to injury, it became increasingly apparent that my container was a dumbass. Of course, it wasn't entirely his fault; the other humans in the village were more stupid than he was. _Naruto, _the King of Demons? Preposterous! Not only were they ignorant, but they were insulting. No pathetic little blond human would _ever _be as cool as me.

Even if he _did _somehow end up with fox-whisker marks on his face. Whiskers are sexy. Shukaku told me so.

Of course, when we met for the first time, he instantly grated on my nerves, and I didn't have to pretend to be all big and bad and evil. He was an annoying flea that wouldn't buzz off.

But he _did _beg me for chakra. He did _not _demand it; I am the King of Demons. If I say he begged for it, then he begged for it. Changing history is one of the perks of my job.

So _I _figured, "Why not? It's not like _I'm _using it. Maybe he'll like the feeling so much that he'll forget about the humans and let me out. I haven't been evil enough lately."

Well, the results of _that _plan were less than satisfactory, and now, I was stuck holding up _my _end of the deal. If he'd been a fox demon, I'd have commended him for his awesome trickiness. He _did _trick me. There's no way anyone could be so stupid as to not know an opportunity like that.

And then – _he _came. Shukaku was close enough that I could touch him without moving…if it weren't for the fact that the brat was _totally _ignoring _my _needs in favor of bitching out the boy who was Shukaku's container.

He was _there. _I could _smell _him; I could feel his chakra (diluted though it was). I could also tell he was getting a kick out of terrorizing humans (especially his container), and I was jealous. Why did he get such a crappy seal, and an almost competent jailor, while I was stuck in a sealed cage inside a _really _dense idiot?

Honestly.

And to make matters worse, _my _jailor had this weird forgiveness complex. He was so…_kind _and _soft-hearted. _It made me want to vomit, but then I'd be stuck with the smell, and that would have sucked.

The whole situation made me feel eviler and eviler and then…

That damn snake-smelling bastard put another damn seal on the brat, and I was totally cut off. Damn humans.

I was _finally _unblocked by another human, but Shukaku wasn't close enough for me to be comfortable. He was just out of reach…

I needed to do something evil, so I could make Shukaku remember me. But the brat wouldn't let me, and I thought for the first time that maybe humans could be as evil as Demons. I was starting to get depressed.

It was hardly consoling that Naruto beat that kid…_Gaara…_who housed Shukaku. It was depressing to see Shukaku free…and not only because he could come out when I couldn't. He had changed. I thought that maybe he didn't remember me…

He was _too _evil! Eviler than I had _ever _been! And suddenly, I knew that the only way to get his attention was to beat him in evil…ness.

If only my container wasn't such a soft-hearted fool!

But then, Shukaku left, and I was alone again. I spent my time trying to convince the brat to let me go, but he refused time and time again. Of course, he made me madder and madder, and I was almost at breaking point when I heard (through Naruto's ears) that Shukaku's container had been captured by Akatsuki.

Sure, I didn't care about the brat. But if they _succeeded, _there was no way I could make him remember me. I _had _to save him! Finally, my container agreed with me on something, and we were even in agreement on the reason (though the idiot was _totally _clueless about his true feelings toward the other brat).

I was _so close _to breaking free, and this time, I wouldn't do anything evil, as long as I could see Shukaku again.

Well…until it was time to leave. Then, I'd show these pathetic humans how much of a mistake it had been to attack me.

Irony likes to show up in places it's really not wanted. Finally, we found our respective loves (who, in a way, happened to be the same person…or at least, in the same body), and what happened?

The brat was dead, and Shukaku was in a place even I couldn't reach him.

I decided to _make_ Naruto evil, even if he didn't want it. And it was easy to force my power into him; they were _dead, _and _gone!_

Gone.

And what do you know? The brat came back to life, and Shukaku didn't.

Did I ever tell you how much I hate humans?

I hate them a lot.

Now, I'm lying dormant (sort of), biding my time. One of these days, Naruto will give in to me, and when that day comes, I am going to show the human world _why _I am called King of Demons. After all, I _have _to have a good story to tell everyone when I return to the Demon world.

I am King. They expect me to act like one.

Like I said, being evil is _important._

* * *

Go ahead and hate it. It's okay. I'll totally understand if you do. But I had to post it, because it made me laugh the whole time I was writing it._  
_


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